“Resistance to unwanted circumstances has the power to keep those circumstance alive and well for a very long time.” – Pema Chodron
We know that these three are related and impacted one another: feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Which can best serve as a cue for you varies from person to person. You may be the kind of person that yells in stress, or you may notice the physical presentation of stress in your body (jaw is sore from clenching it, nails broken or bleeding from biting or picking, foot tapping on the floor), or you may find yourself yelling out “I am so mad that you did that!” However it is that your stress presents, a helpful way to process it is to notice it and check in with how you are feeling.
Circumstance:
You have worked so hard this year and are eager to get your review, and pay increase, at work. Your boss flies through the positive check boxes and uses most of the time you have to share opportunities for growth followed by a very low pay increase. You leave the office to cry in the bathroom stall. There are a lot of ways that you could move forward, but let’s say that you recognize that you are in a reactive state and that packing up your things and walking out is not an ideal option. Instead you go to your car, sit and attempt to sit with your feeling:
Ask yourself, “what is this feeling?
“Anger, rage actually”
“Okay, where is the rage in my body?”
Now begin at the top of your head and scan your body to notice any tension or sensation.
“There is tension in my eyes. My jaw is tight. My shoulders feel heavy.”
Now sit and focus on taking deep breaths that you send to those parts of your body. Continue doing this until you notice the tension diminish.
An alternative to this practice, if you really don’t feel comfortable to sit with the feelings then just say over and over again “I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry. I am so angry” until you notice a decrease in the intensity of the feeling. This allows you to stay with the feeling and not move into thought and behavior.
I don’t have all day, you may be thinking. You won’t need much time. It will require much less time than the alternative.
Our reactions to stressors can be compared to sitting next to a fire pit. The trigger is the match that you strike and connect with a handful of twigs. The above method means that you will then stand back and watch the flame until it diminishes within a moment or two. The alternative, an example below, happens if you continue to put logs in and fan the fire with thoughts and behaviors.
Let’s say that you go to your car to remove yourself from the situation. Instead of identifying the feeling, checking in with the body and breathing into it, you begin fueling the feeling with thoughts and behaviors.
First log/thought: “If he actually came out of his office, he would see everything I do for this team!”
Second log/thought: “He only got the job because his sister works in human resources.”
Third log/behavior: You hit the steering wheel.
Third log/behavior: Select your job search app.
Third log/thought: “I can’t afford to go on vacation next year without this raise.”
Fanning the fire/behavior: You pick up the phone and call your partner to share what happened and to tell her that you can’t afford the beach vacation.
You may be thinking, yes that’s all fine and well but it’s still not right! Am I supposed to accept this and act as if I don’t care?! I can’t do that.
No, you certainly do not have to accept not being compensated your worth and not being valued for what you do. But, if you can get yourself to a space of calm, then you can make respond to situations and not react to them. In this case, you may decide to dig in and commit some time to looking for a new job or exploring alternative career options. However you decide to move forward, you will do so with intention and not in a reactive way.