I am a parent to two little boys who are 6 and 3 1/2. I am far from an expert in parenting and to be honest, had a rough morning with my adorable 3 year old ball of energy! What I do know, and try to help other parents do, is to be aware of your stuff and how you put that on your child.
I’m feeling overwhelmed today and have a lot of work that I want to get done. That is what made me react to my son this morning. Yes he did run out to the back yard with no shoes on after I told him he could not. And sure, he did dump a whole bag of popcorn on the floor, and Legos. Yes, he did try to sneak my wallet off of the kitchen table 4 times. He did climb on the kitchen table and hold his finger, ever so close to the keyboard on my lab top, when I asked him not to touch it. (I told you it was a rough morning!) But, he is 3 years old and wants to connect with me my despite my agenda.
After I reacted (i.e. threw an adult temper tantrum and yelled and stomped around the house for 5 minutes), I took a few deep breaths and put my head in my hands (focused on the moment and let myself feel my emotions) I was able to calm myself down and assess what each of us need. We needed fresh air and we needed for me to connect with him and not just on my work. We took a walk to the store, bought some cookies for a treat later and chatted about the things we saw as we walked. I apologized for my reaction and we talked about how important it is to help each other and to listen to each other. My goal is not to get my kids to listen within one prompt. My goal is to model and teach my kids how to recognize when someone needs support, how to talk about how they feel, how to apologize when they mess up and that they never deserve to be yelled at for messing up.
What if this morning I would have gotten curious when my son began to show challenging behaviors? I kept telling him no and to stop over and over again because I was so caught up in what I was doing.
It doesn’t matter if your child is 3 years old, 13 years old or 23 years old. You can’t go wrong by getting curious and connecting with them.
- Your 3 year old is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store. RESPONSE: Get down with him and rub his back or hug him. Say, “You are so angry right now. I see that.” Once he calms down then you can ask him what made him so angry and reflect on what he says. “I hear you. You really wanted to go down the escalator and mommy said no. That’s tough, huh?!”
- Your 7 year old daughter missed several homework assignments. RESPONSE: “I see that you missed a few homework assignments this grading period. What’s that about? What is difficult about getting homework done?” Maybe she is having a hard time keeping organized, maybe she is overwhelmed with work, maybe she craves connection with her peers and just wants to go to a friend’s house after school instead of doing homework. If you jump to punishing her then you can totally miss the opportunity to connect and help her to problem solve.
- You 15 year old son wants to go all night bowling and stay out until 1am. RESPONSE: “I hear you when you say that you want to go bowling and that all of your friends are going. It sounds like you really want to go but I am feeling uncomfortable with you being out that late and you being in the car with someone who is 18 years old. We are going to have to talk about this more and I will give it some thought.” Give him an opportunity to show you that he is willing to problem solve and compromise. In the end if you really feel uncomfortable then you can tell him that your job is to keep him safe and that this is just not something you can agree to. Allow him to feel angry if that’s how he responds and honor those feelings, but ultimately you will make the decision.
There are times when we the end result is no and that is not only ok, but completely necessary. You can respond to behaviors rather than react to them. We can do that much better when we take care of ourselves!
Lauren