I was looking through an online journal that I used to use and I found an entry, on October 1, 2017 entitled “Be Her.” It read, “You see yourself as the mom who is sometimes a little too lenient but who has long, tough conversations with her kids and allows them to be who they are without question, so be her” and “You see yourself as the woman who meditates before bed and wakes before everyone else to do yoga so be her,” and “you see yourself as the person who drinks lots of water and eats well but won’t pass up an opportunity to have a hot fudge sundae with her family or drink a glass of wine with her girlfriends, so be her.” This made me smile as I read it because over the past 6 months, I have become her.
So I think to myself. How did I do it? It wasn’t a list that was hanging on my refrigerator to remind me, day after day, of goals that I had. I think what happens for me is that at some point, something makes sense and I take the next step. The first step, that has lasted a few years, is that I surrounded myself with people, voices and words that touched my heart. I read books that said things that I knew deep in my heart but didn’t have the words to explain. I joined a church and was surrounded by like minded people. I shared my view of the world with my loved ones and connected with them sometimes and sometimes not, but that was okay too. I moved towards the new people in my life who I felt connected to and didn’t try to create connections with people purely out of convenience.
And now, as I step up onto a new step, I get quiet. I take walks without headphones. I meditate every morning and every night and find myself opening my eyes much later than when my guided meditation tells me that I’m done. I notice things. I notice how firm the ground is beneath my feet when I take a walk. I notice birds outside when it is dark and the house is completely quiet. I notice the freckles on my oldest son’s face and my youngest son’s long legs. I notice how sweet the fruit in my cereal tastes and that the cake is much too sweet after a few bites.
I read Michelle Obama’s book “Becoming” and I connect with the title so much. “Becoming.” I want to always make lists of who I hope to become and look back and realize that I’m right on my way.